Reflections on the first 3 months of Mommyhood

This is real life!

I have a confession: Sometimes I don’t want to be a mom. Don’t get me wrong – I love my son! I really do. But sometimes when I just can’t take the crying anymore, when every feeding and naptime is a battle, when I remember the freedom that I used to have to hang out with friends wherever and whenever… Sometimes I sit in my house and cry because it is SO HARD to be mom to a little one 24/7, and I just want things to go back to how they were before.

Hearing the stories of those who want to be mommies but aren’t able to or have lost their own little ones puts everything in perspective for me (one particular momma’s story that has really touched me recently can be found on her blog here). Their stories convict my complaining heart and turn my broken prayers into grateful praises to the Lord for how He has blessed me. I have an easygoing, happy, healthy little dude, and I am thankful. Lest I paint a too dreary picture of motherhood (especially for those of you who have yet to have kids – don’t let me scare you!), let me say that there are many times of joy and laughter. So many. In reality, more of my time is spent smiling and laughing with my son rather than crying. My heart melts when he smiles at me every morning from his crib. His baby giggles are soo cute I can’t help but laugh along with him every time. I just think that we are often guilty of painting a picture of an idyllic life of perfection.

It’s so easy to put on a front of being the “perfect” mom – I’m guilty of that. I look at my own Facebook page and if you were a stranger looking at it for the first time, you might think that I have a son who is always smiling (who majors in being cute) and that motherhood is a breeze for me. It’s not. Let me be honest: being a mommy is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve struggled in the past 3 months more than I ever thought I would. There were many days of tears! If you know me well, you’ll know that I tend to succeed at most everything I do (that’s because I usually only attempt things I know I can do! =P). Well, motherhood is clearly not that way. And my life isn’t perfect by any means! Just ask my husband about the time he came home a few weeks ago and I was curled up in bed sobbing into my pillow because I was just SO DONE for the day.

Part of me thinks that I should end with something “spiritual” to wrap it all up with a pretty bow to close, but I am at a loss. There are lots of things I could share, but I would probably be repeating someone who could share truth much more eloquently than me (see the list of resources at the bottom of this post for all that good stuff). Mostly I just wanted to be real, because I think that is often lacking in our lives today, especially in the social media world. I will say to close though: I love my son. He is the cutest thing that ever happened to me, and he brings me great joy. Mommyhood is hard, but it is also good. God is good. He is faithful. And His grace is sufficient. Onward and upward as we fix our eyes on Jesus, Mamas!

[As a side note: Those of you who have more than one child are probably like, “Just wait until she has more than one!” I confess – I don’t know how you do it! I am sure, though, that God gives grace upon grace as needed.]

Resources that have encouraged and blessed me:

·       CD: Hidden in My Heart: A Lullaby Journey Through Scripture (3 volumes)

·       Book: Mom Enough

·       Blogpost: “Dear Mama of Littles” by Christine Hoover

·       Blogpost: “When Mothering is Hard and No One Sees” by Shalene Roberts

Remember

Every year a different aspect of Holy Week stands out to me. As I get older, God reveals to me different aspects of the wonderful sacrifice, the painful suffering, and the glorious resurrection that not only makes us right with God, but also gives us great hope for future eternal life. This year, I’ve been struck once again by the connection to the Passover, and the idea of “remembering.”

Remembering was a very important part of God’s commands to the Israelites. They were to remember the Sabbath day (God’s rest) by keeping it holy. In Numbers 15:39 they were to put tassels on the ends of their garments to remember the Lord’s commands, and not follow the “lusts of their hearts.” Probably the most important act of remembering was the Passover. In Deuteronomy 16:1 God commands the Israelites to observe the Passover to remember the moment they left Egypt and were freed from slavery.

The Last Supper is often just associated with Jesus’ death. And while this is true, we must remember that they were celebrating Passover, remembering the Israelites’ freedom from slavery. Little did the disciples know how this remembrance would take on new meaning in the following days. Jesus said, after breaking the bread. “This is my body given (broken!) for you; do this in remembrance of me.” Only after his resurrection did they finally understand what this really meant.

To me, Jesus’ death and resurrection finds its parallel in the Israelites gaining their freedom from the yoke of the Egyptians. Because of Jesus’ work, we are free from yoke of sin today. The work is finished, we are freed from slavery. However, in today’s age, between the two comings of Christ, we are as the Israelites, “wandering in the wilderness.” God leads us, as by the pillar of fire and cloud, by His Word. He provides for us, as with manna, with material possessions. As the Israelites often grumbled, desiring to return to slavery when God was already providing for them, we often desire sin, not realizing that it puts us back into slavery. At times, our lives today feel like going through wilderness. How often we fool ourselves into thinking that life was better when we were in sin! How often we forget we will eventually arrive in the Promised Land!

How often we as humans forget. Thanks be to God for giving us tools to remember. When we take communion, when we remember the Passover, let us remember what God did for us through Jesus in freeing us from the slavery of sin. Let us also remember his provision through the wilderness and the hope of the Promised Land for eternity!

The Hunger Games: My Take

I just finished reading The Hunger Games trilogy for the first time. And for the past week I have had hundreds of thoughts swirling around in my head as strong emotions churn throughout me. Needless to say, Suzanne Collins is a powerful writer.

If you have not read the trilogy, you should go find a summary online since the rest of this post won’t make sense if you don’t know the story. There are quite a few opposing opinions on this series in Christian circles: Is it merely an exciting story full of gore, or is there anything redemptive? What about the violence? Today I simply want to offer some of my insights and reflections. And…I will be the first to admit that my reading of The Hunger Games is colored by my worldview. So with that in mind, here we go.

WARNING: Spoilers abound.

Throughout the series, we journey with Katniss as she struggles to separate her feelings for 2 important boys in her life: Gale and Peeta. In the end, she chooses Peeta because she realizes that “…what I need to survive is not Gale’s fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise the life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that.” (Mockingjay, 388) Read an excellent article on this very topic here.

I think that there is a part of every girl that longs for someone like Peeta in their life – solid, sacrificial, loving, life-giving. As I contemplated, I realized…I DO have that already in my life! And no, I’m not talking about Jonathan (though I love him dearly and am VERY thankful for him!). I have Jesus Christ. HE is the Bread of Life. He is my solid foundation. He is the Lover of my soul. He gave His life for mine! Though it is probably not the author’s intention (and maybe I’m reading too much into it), I can’t help but think that in many ways, Peeta acts as a Christ-like figure in the trilogy. Think about it:

Peeta is a baker’s son and once saved Katniss’s life by throwing her bread.

Christ is my Bread of Life.

Peeta loves Katniss unconditionally, even when she doesn’t love him back.

Christ loves me unconditionally, even when I am unfaithful to Him.

Peeta experiences the Games with Katniss and is able to empathize because he knows exactly what she’s been through.

Christ empathizes with us because He was fully man and has been tempted in every way that we have. (Heb. 4:15)

Peeta calms and comforts Katniss during her nightmares.

In the same way, Christ wraps His arms around me and calms my fears.

Peeta is the groom. Katniss is the bride.

Christ is my Groom. I am His bride.

Peeta represents life and goodness and hope.

Christ IS life. He is the Giver of good things. He is Hope.

And the biggest of all:

Peeta is willing to sacrifice his life to save Katniss’s life. Katniss talks a lot about “owing” those around her, especially Peeta.

Jesus Christ actually gave His life for mine. Do I not owe him my life?

Of course, Peeta is only human, so the analogy breaks down after awhile. But you get the idea.

In the books, we are forced to confront the hopeless reality of human depravity. In Mockingjay, Katniss – the heroine and antagonist – even recognizes it in herself: she describes herself as “Violent. Distrustful. Manipulative. Deadly.” (232). In the end, it comes as no surprise (to me) that she votes “yes” to a Games using tributes from the Capitol. Or that she kills President Coin. Or that she is driven to the point of suicide. Because ultimately, her actions mirror my own deadly, avenging heart. As part of our human nature, we long to repay death with death, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But Christ has a better way – outlined in Matthew 5:38-48.

Maybe it’s just me and I’m too sensitive to pain and loss, but I was overcome by a sense of darkness and despair that I couldn’t shake after finishing the series. I wept the night that I finished the 3^rd book because of the enormity of hopelessness and darkness that I felt. While the ending of the series was as “happy” as it could have been without Christ, I still longed for so much more!

J.W. Wartick says it well in this reflection:

“I long for that comfort of the Redeemer. There seems to be no hope in the [Hunger Games] that things will be made right, only that eventually, the nightmares may get better. Having the comfort of redemption and hope, I can’t help but wish for that in the world of Panem–a Redeemer to come and wash away the tears. And so, because there is no such Redeemer, I see the stories as a reflection of the brutal reality of a world without God. In such a world the best that can be hoped for is that the nightmares may one day end; that children may have a better life than their parents. But ultimately, it is a hard reality, one in which there is no true hope, no way to atone for past wrongs.”

Ultimately, Collins is successful in setting up the problem without giving us the solution. I think The Hunger Games is an excellent catalyst for discussion; however, I would not recommend this for younger readers. The books are violent and dark. I am old-fashioned – I don't think it is appropriate for middleschoolers or even highschoolers necessarily unless there is someone who can talk through the complex moral and ethical issues that the author deals with throughout the story. You could see it as a commentary on poverty, war, government, where our society is headed…but ultimately, Collins dives into the depths of what really makes us human – what is it that makes us more than animals? Anything? What is love? What is sacrifice? What is the proper response to death and violence? Where do we find hope?

There is so much more I could write about, but I would probably just be repeating what has already been said. Instead, you should just read the articles that are linked throughout this post (and here’s one more on Christian themes found in the trilogy). Many of them were influential in my thinking as I tried to sort out my thoughts.

For those of you who are wondering, I do think that this is a worthy read (I only speak for the books, not the movie since I haven’t seen it). Might I suggest that if you do decide to read them (or already have), read them more than once. The first time you’ll just be so caught up in the story that your mind won’t really dwell on the deeper issues presented.

Finally, I came across this just today:

What do you think? Do you agree with Sheldon, or do you think that in order to truly appreciate our salvation we should delve into the depths of sinful humanity? Is reading something like The Hunger Games unnecessary because we already see so much of human depravity in real life and we should dwell on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, etc.” (Phil. 4:8)? No doubt, the books are dark. But is there enough eye-opening truth in the books that makes it redemptive reading? You tell me. I welcome your thoughts.

Playing "By Heart"

A couple of weeks ago I read this thought-provoking article by Anthony Tommasini for the New York Times. In it Tommasini suggests the convention of pianists playing solo repertoire and concertos by memory should be optional rather than a “requirement” for pianists nowadays. Reading this article (as well as performing two recitals within the past month) have gotten me thinking a lot about performing. Below are a few of my thoughts.

I found Tommasini’s arguments fascinating, but I disagreed with a few of his main points. Mainly, Tommasini says, in reference to whether or not a pianist uses music while performing, “What matters, or should matter, is the quality of the music making, not the means by which an artist renders a fine performance.” On the surface, I would agree. But then I began thinking, maybe the means is part of the performance. A few years ago I saw Menahem Pressler perform at James Madison University. It was a truly amazing performance in which he used a score. Years of mastery at the instrument were evident in Pressler’s wonderful performance, but I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed that the music wasn’t played by memory. Maybe it’s because I always associate using a score with sight-reading and it’s only after I’ve mastered the piece that I no longer need to read the music. I feel, as a performer and an audience member, that performing by memory makes the music more personal. Maybe when I see a performer use a score I am made aware that the music is some kind of historical relic by a composer from the past. When no score is used, the music seems to "live" more, making me more aware that the live performer is active in the creative process.

I think performing, particularly by memory, is far more difficult than non-performers realize. It requires a mind of steel. After months of hours-a-day practicing, a performer presents his music to an often critical audience completely focused on him. After working so hard on the music, it's hard not to tie self-worth to how a performance goes. When performing from memory, I’ve found that there is a mental balance that must be reached and maintained throughout the performance to keep it from falling apart. Too much nervousness results in a shaky performance, not enough nervousness means I am not focused and can have memory issues. How to find that balance is difficult, and it isn’t always predictable. There’s no way to guarantee you’ll have that balance. Usually when I have that balance throughout a performance I feel completely immersed in the music and thoroughly enjoy myself. In these times I recognize that this is what God made me to do.

I am terrible at acting, but I find that when I perform the piano, I’m really an actor. I don’t consider myself an overly emotional person, but when I perform I am called to convey emotions that I may not be feeling on that given day. Performances that really reach the heart of audiences are those where a performer “bares his soul” and holds nothing back. I feel this is much more difficult to do if there were a score in front of me. Tommasini writes that it used to be considered the height of arrogance to play music by other composers without a score. It would almost suggest that the performer composed the music himself. But when I perform I want to feel like I am taking part in the creative process with the composer. I need to be fully convinced that my interpretation is far better than any other performance of the piece, that I'm playing it just the way the composer would have wanted it. That’s what can make the music of old, dead composers come alive today.

Part of me yearns for a world where performing by memory isn’t expected. I definitely could learn pieces much faster and they would be “ready for performance” much quicker. But wouldn’t that allow for more performances of music without musicians really knowing the music backward and forward? Maybe there’s something to the phrase “knowing the music by heart.”

The only way I might agree with Tommasini’s argument is performing concertos by memory. We perform chamber music with a score, and concertos are also a collaborative experience. Also, concertos allow no room for error. I can’t repeat a measure I mess up. I can’t “fake my way out of it." Performing a concerto with orchestra is both one of the most wonderful opportunities and the most nerve-racking experiences because of this very fact.

What do you think? Are you a pianist who wishes we didn’t have to memorize everything? Do you think memorization is an important part of learning music? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Pinteresting...

Well, after Jonathan's deeply thoughtful post, I thought I'd lighten things up a bit and post some recent Pinterest successes (mostly successes). First, food:

Philly Cheesesteak Stuffed Bell Peppers (click on photo for recipe)

I have to admit, one of the best recipes we've tried so far! Absolutely delicious. And yes, mine came out actually kind of looking like the picture.

Cheesy Cauliflowers Pancakes

Beyond delicious! Tasted like potato patties (but without the carbs). The only thing is that it was hard to keep them from falling apart - but then again, I almost always flip things too early. :)

Microwaved Potato Chips

I was skeptical if this would actually turn out well - but it did (the picture is one that I took of my own chips). These were delicious. However, they were also a lot of work. If I had a mandoline slicer it might have made things easier. But as it was, I sliced by hand. And then, you can only microwave 1 plate of chips (read: not very many) at a time - for every 4 min. of microwaving you get about 10 chips. AND there was frequent stopping of the microwave to check whether or not they were getting scorched. Needless to say, this is one I won't be doing very often!

Now the non-foods:

Yes, we're that lazy - I rigged up this contraption so that we could turn off the light while lying in bed. It works like a dream. Though not strictly from Pinterest, it was inspired by this website (I've also had success with # 4 and #27).

Granny Ripple Crochet Tutorial

If you're like me and you hate to read crochet patterns (ch 5, 3 dc in 5th ch from hook, sl st to join, 4 sc...whaaaaattt??)...never fear, you will like this! This was easy to follow and included lots of pictures. Not to mention that it is a simple yet pretty pattern to begin with. You get lots of blanket for the amount of yarn you use. In case you've missed it, I've linked the picture to the tutorial itself. 

This didn't work as hoped. The picture above shows my stove in the beginning stages. By the end, it still looked like that. :( Truly disappointing. I guess my stove is too far gone. 

Valuing Life

This past week marked the 40^th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision “Roe v. Wade.” Much has been written about abortion this past week, but I want to look at the issue in a little different light. To start off, I will look at another tragedy.

***

On December 14, a ruthless gunman entered an elementary school and shot and killed innocent children. The tragedy in Sandy Hook will unfortunately be forever etched in our memories as one of the most senseless acts of violence in our lifetimes. It also became a “call to arms” (no pun intended) for stricter gun control laws. As Barack Obama said, “meaningful action” must be taken. In another statement, Obama said that even though the issue is “complex” and often “political,” action must be done to save children’s lives. One form of action is to introduce laws to limit access to the kinds of weapons the shooter used.

Though I personally believe the world would be a better place without guns (though, to be clear, I don’t necessarily advocate for stricter gun laws), I think we have to ask ourselves: isn’t there a deeper issue? Our culture gasps at the atrocities committed at mass shootings, but goes to the movies and watches gun violence on the big screen for entertainment (I am guilty of this myself). Many in our culture even put themselves a little closer to the experience by playing “first-person shooter” video games. A different, but no less troubling, problem is that when most of us know someone who is hurting and dealing with anger issues, our individualistic and self-centered selves often ignore them. We think, “Someone else will take care of them, it’s not my responsibility.” 99% of the time these people won’t resort to gun violence, but if we cared more for those around us that are hurting, perhaps we could prevent more tragedies. I agree with Barack Obama that meaningful action must happen, but I think it needs to be much deeper than more gun laws.

***

Today is the annual “March for Life” in Washington DC. This year should be especially large because of the Roe v. Wade anniversary. I am deeply saddened by the laws in our country allowing for the murder of innocent children (in much larger quantities than at Sandy Hook elementary). But in a similar way to the issue of gun violence, I’ve come to realize recently that the issue of abortion is much deeper than what laws are in place and which party has political control. It pervades the whole culture.

First, more and more Americans seem not to care about this issue. I recently saw a survey stating that 7 in 10 Americans oppose a reversal of “Roe vs. Wade.” If we want laws to protect the unborn, we first need to pray for a culture shift. Secondly, I believe casual sex has been a factor. The issue of birth control is very complex, but while I don’t believe it’s inherently bad in the right situation, I think it has fostered a mentality among many that sex should be enjoyed without any worry of the “problem” of pregnancy. And when birth control fails, abortion – partly because it’s legal – is seen as an acceptable “back-up” form of birth control. In a godless society that views pregnancy as a “nuisance,” rather than a gift from God, unborn babies become “disposable.” This may sound harsh, but I’ll call it what it is: selfishness.

I don’t deny the issue is complex. Many women don’t feel financially or emotionally ready to be a mother. Sometimes they are pressured by a boyfriend to abort the baby.  On (extremely rare) occasions the life of the mother is at risk. Sometimes women are senselessly raped and become pregnant. It has also become a political issue. One risks becoming “anti-woman” in being pro-life (or “anti-abortion,” depending on what news source you read). But as Obama himself said, when referring to the tragedy of gun violence, if we can take action that would save even one life, wouldn’t that action be worth it?

Taking action might mean laws to protect the lives of those “unseen” by society, those without a voice: the unborn. But laws reflect the culture. It’s our culture that misunderstands comments like those by Senate candidate Mourdock, who was blasted for his statement that when a woman gets pregnant from being raped, it’s God’s will. Sure, his statement was probably unwise, but I can’t disagree with it theologically. No Christian in their right mind believes that being raped is a good thing, but when properly cared for, a woman who gets pregnant from such a horrible event can find redemption. Pregnancy can be a gift from God.

What we as Christians need to be praying for is a culture that values the lives of the unborn. A culture that values sex as to be saved for marriage, in which there can be a stable environment for a child. A culture that values pregnancy as eager expectation of new life, rather than a nuisance and unfortunate consequence of sex. And yes, a culture that cares for those who are faced with unwanted pregnancies. Our country doesn’t need laws protecting the unborn any more than it needs a broad culture change. A change only God can bring about.

Why Music?

Why Music?

Music seems to be a part of everyone’s life. Whether you listen to music on your iPod while working out, turn on the radio in your car, or just hear music in the elevator (unfortunately that’s where most of the world seems to hear classical music), I think it’s a fair assumption that you listen to music. But have you ever stopped to ask yourself: Why music? Why do we listen to it? Why do we enjoy it? And as a Christian, what does music have to do with my walk with Christ?

Most people in society have probably never asked these questions, but I think they can help point us to Christ when we think about music.

For most people, music is entertainment. Not that entertainment’s inherently bad, but I can’t believe that’s all there is to music. As a Christian, one way I experience music that’s beyond simple entertainment is corporate worship in church. Think about it: where else do people convene in large groups and sing together, unrehearsed? (Singing at a rock concert doesn’t count because the focus is on the performance of those on stage). Besides perhaps the National Anthem, this only really seems to happen in church. Also, no one who has grown up going to church can imagine a church service without music. There has to be something spiritual about music itself.

Another way I think music can bring us closer to God is it helps us express things that cannot be put into words. Romans 8:26 says “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” I recognize this in my own life. At times something doesn’t feel right in my spirit, but I can’t quite pin down what’s wrong. When I listen to music, such as a Mahler symphony, I often feel emotions I didn’t even know I had. I think it’s even more than just emotions. It’s something spiritual. I cried while watching Les Misérables, not just because of the story, I think, but because the story was told through song.

Lastly, I wonder how someone who has a purely atheistic worldview would answer the question “Why music?” I can’t think of any biologically necessary reason for music. I can think of no other reason as to why we have music other than it was God’s good pleasure to give it to us to enjoy, and in fact to enjoy God through our music! Just like appreciating a beautiful sunset or a view of the Grand Canyon, I am in awe of our Creator when listening to a Beethoven symphony or a chamber work by Brahms. I think our simple appreciation of beauty points to something beyond the natural world.

Music has always been a passion of mine, as has been my faith. But it’s been exciting to start seeing how these areas of my life fit together. Please feel free to add your own thoughts as a comment. Soli Deo Gloria.