Letting Go

Have you ever clenched something so tightly that your nails dig into your palms and your knuckles turn white? I see it every day when Levi grabs my hair and hangs on for dear life! A common refrain these days is, “Hey dude – let go of Mommy’s hair!” Of course, he has no idea what I’m saying, so I have to grab his little fingers and pry them open.

God is gently, slowly prying my own fingers open. One by one. He’s teaching me about letting go. It’s a challenging season of life for me – lots of change in a short time. From becoming a family of three to our upcoming move overseas, we’re in a season of transition and change. And it’s hard! I feel like I have to let go of nearly everything in my life from the past 3 ½ years.

I’m learning to let go of my own agenda because my son’s needs are greater than my own wants (goodbye sleep!).

In December, I had to let go of my home for 3 years and move into a new place that really doesn’t feel like home.

In a few short weeks, MasterWorks will be moving on to a new place and in a new direction. Without me. My friends are leaving. Working for MasterWorks these past few years has been more than a job. It’s been my community, my ministry, and a great joy for me. And we’re parting ways.

Then in May, we’re moving out of Winona Lake and saying goodbye to a community that has welcomed us with open arms and become our home.

I’m sorting through all of our stuff in preparation for the move and giving away the majority of our material possessions. And I feel sad. Maybe I shouldn’t feel sad about packing up my iron, blender, dishes, and towels and giving them all away (I mean, really, Claire? You’re attached to your towels?!?!). But I do feel a bittersweetness in the tangible, physical act of closing one chapter as God opens another.

I’m challenged/encouraged when I read about the calling of the first disciples. Jesus said, “Follow Me” and they left everything to follow Him. I’m convinced that if I were to ask each disciple today if it was worth it, the answer would be a resounding “Yes!” I’m not even leaving everything behind, but God is still revealing to me that I have based a lot of my happiness and security in stuff that (in the long run) doesn’t really matter.

When lots of things are uncertain and I know that my life will look completely different a year from now, I am SO thankful that my God is unchanging. He’s promised to always walk with me. A wise woman of God shared this verse with me this past week and I am comforted by His promises to me:

As I go down unfamiliar paths, He will guide me! And He will make those rough places – those hard patches – smooth. He won’t forsake me. What a precious promise. Amen, Lord, let it be so.

On Grief

Grief is a funny thing. One day everything is fine, and then the next… well… open the floodgates!

It’s been about 3½ years since “Uncle Chuck”, a very beloved, influential man in my life went to be with the Lord. I grew up with him across the street from my house, dropping by multiple evenings a week (always just in time for dessert, of course :), giving me and my brothers motorcycle rides, and once I got older, leading my first overseas mission trips.

When he passed away, the grief was deep. The loss cut me to the core. The sobs: so gut-wrenching I couldn’t breathe. But time has brought healing. To be honest, most days I don’t think about it (that’s not too hard when I am so far removed in time and geography from my childhood home). And even when I do think of Uncle Chuck, there is some somberness, but mostly I smile because of the many good memories. But last week as I was thinking about my/our future plans to move overseas, this thought floated across my mind, “He would be so proud of me.” And the grief took my breath away. It was compounded by my next thought, “I wish he could meet my son, Levi. He would have loved him.” And I remembered that he didn’t even make it to my wedding because of his illness. Oh the tears, ya’ll.

He came over so often we even have a
picture of him walking through our front door!

I am grateful for this man’s influence in my life. I am thankful that he did have the chance to meet Jonathan (and vice versa). I am thankful for his leadership on the summer mission trips that were the catalyst for giving me a missional heart.

Thank you, Uncle Chuck. I am filled with joy that you have heard the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I can’t wait to see you again.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav’nly Friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,

And all is darkened in the vale of tears,

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay

From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hast’ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord.

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Reflections on the first 3 months of Mommyhood

This is real life!

I have a confession: Sometimes I don’t want to be a mom. Don’t get me wrong – I love my son! I really do. But sometimes when I just can’t take the crying anymore, when every feeding and naptime is a battle, when I remember the freedom that I used to have to hang out with friends wherever and whenever… Sometimes I sit in my house and cry because it is SO HARD to be mom to a little one 24/7, and I just want things to go back to how they were before.

Hearing the stories of those who want to be mommies but aren’t able to or have lost their own little ones puts everything in perspective for me (one particular momma’s story that has really touched me recently can be found on her blog here). Their stories convict my complaining heart and turn my broken prayers into grateful praises to the Lord for how He has blessed me. I have an easygoing, happy, healthy little dude, and I am thankful. Lest I paint a too dreary picture of motherhood (especially for those of you who have yet to have kids – don’t let me scare you!), let me say that there are many times of joy and laughter. So many. In reality, more of my time is spent smiling and laughing with my son rather than crying. My heart melts when he smiles at me every morning from his crib. His baby giggles are soo cute I can’t help but laugh along with him every time. I just think that we are often guilty of painting a picture of an idyllic life of perfection.

It’s so easy to put on a front of being the “perfect” mom – I’m guilty of that. I look at my own Facebook page and if you were a stranger looking at it for the first time, you might think that I have a son who is always smiling (who majors in being cute) and that motherhood is a breeze for me. It’s not. Let me be honest: being a mommy is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve struggled in the past 3 months more than I ever thought I would. There were many days of tears! If you know me well, you’ll know that I tend to succeed at most everything I do (that’s because I usually only attempt things I know I can do! =P). Well, motherhood is clearly not that way. And my life isn’t perfect by any means! Just ask my husband about the time he came home a few weeks ago and I was curled up in bed sobbing into my pillow because I was just SO DONE for the day.

Part of me thinks that I should end with something “spiritual” to wrap it all up with a pretty bow to close, but I am at a loss. There are lots of things I could share, but I would probably be repeating someone who could share truth much more eloquently than me (see the list of resources at the bottom of this post for all that good stuff). Mostly I just wanted to be real, because I think that is often lacking in our lives today, especially in the social media world. I will say to close though: I love my son. He is the cutest thing that ever happened to me, and he brings me great joy. Mommyhood is hard, but it is also good. God is good. He is faithful. And His grace is sufficient. Onward and upward as we fix our eyes on Jesus, Mamas!

[As a side note: Those of you who have more than one child are probably like, “Just wait until she has more than one!” I confess – I don’t know how you do it! I am sure, though, that God gives grace upon grace as needed.]

Resources that have encouraged and blessed me:

·       CD: Hidden in My Heart: A Lullaby Journey Through Scripture (3 volumes)

·       Book: Mom Enough

·       Blogpost: “Dear Mama of Littles” by Christine Hoover

·       Blogpost: “When Mothering is Hard and No One Sees” by Shalene Roberts